What To Do When Your Child Is Disrespectful Only to You: 3 Therapists Weigh-In

Dear Therapist: A Note to Our Readers

The following question comes from our “Dear Therapist” write-in series, where readers anonymously submit real-life struggles for clinical insight and reflection.

While we’re honored to offer professional perspectives, it’s important to say clearly: this column is for educational and supportive purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual, family, or couples counseling. Every family system is complex, and meaningful change often requires personalized assessment, ongoing support, and direct therapeutic intervention.

If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, relationship conflict, or parenting challenges that feel overwhelming, we strongly encourage seeking support from a licensed mental health professional.

With that in mind, here is one of this month's questions — and responses from three therapists offering different lenses on the same concern.

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Parenting can be most of the most rewarding yet challenging journeys, especially when faced with moments of disrespect from a child you love deeply.

A mother writes:

“My five-year-old adores his father but hits, screams, and disrespects me. I do most of the caregiving. I’m scared he’ll grow up to be like his dad. I just want to be a great mom. I’m struggling with anxiety and depression. I need help.”

Below, three therapists respond — each from their own professional and personal lens.

Therapist #1: Start With Curiosity, Then Teach Emotional Language

Before we jump into solutions, I would want to understand the bigger picture.

• Is your son already in therapy?

• Is he witnessing disrespect modeled in the home?

• Or is this behavior happening in isolation, only with you?

  
  

Five-year-olds are incredible observers. They don’t just hear what we say — they absorb tone, power dynamics, emotional expression, and how conflict is handled. If they see anger expressed through yelling or dominance, they may imitate it. Not because they prefer one parent, but because they are learning what “strength” looks like.

At the same time, some children reserve their hardest emotions for their primary caregiver.

That’s where emotional coaching becomes essential.

When he hits or screams, try inviting the feeling into the room:

• “It seems like you’re really frustrated I said no.”

• “You’re really angry.”

• “It’s okay to feel mad. It’s not okay to hit.”

  
  

Talk about emotions regularly — not just during conflict. Normalize saying things like:

• “I felt overwhelmed today.”

• “I’m really angry, so I’m taking a breath.”

  
  

When feelings are named, they become manageable. When they’re ignored, they come out sideways.

Your goal is not to eliminate anger. It’s to teach him how to carry it safely.

Therapist #2: Let Dad Help Shape the Dynamic

Children learn how to treat their mother by watching how others treat her.

If possible, I would encourage your husband to intentionally model respect toward you in front of your son. That might include:

• Speaking warmly and appreciatively.

• Thanking you for what you do.

• Showing partnership.

• Calmly stepping in when your son is disrespectful.

  
  

For example, if your son speaks harshly, Dad might say:“We don’t talk to Mom like that.”

Not angrily. Not shaming. Just clearly.

When fathers reinforce respect for mothers, it carries weight. It teaches boys that strength includes honoring women — especially the women who care for them.

Even occasional interceding can shift the family dynamic. Children internalize these micro-moments.

Modeling is more powerful than lecturing.

Therapist #3: Self-Compassion, Safety, and the Bigger Picture

I want to start by saying — be gentle with yourself.

Children often release their biggest emotions with the parent they feel safest with. When my own child was around 3½, he would have full meltdowns the moment he walked through the front door. I thought he hated being with me.

But the truth? Home was his safe place.

Some kids hold everything in all day and fall apart where they feel secure. It doesn’t mean they love you less. It means they trust you more.

Another hard truth: if children have never witnessed others consistently respecting you, they don’t automatically know how to do it themselves. They really do watch how adults interact.

If respect hasn’t been modeled clearly, consider intentionally exposing him to examples:

• Movies where a loving mother-child relationship is central.

• Books that portray moms warmly and respectfully.

• Conversations that highlight kindness toward mothers.

And when he hits or screams, sit with him first:

• “It seems like you’re frustrated I said no."

• Soothe before correcting.

• Once he’s calm:“Hitting isn’t okay. Next time we can use words.”

• Correct after regulation.

Finally, about your anxiety: anxiety lives in the future. It says, “What if he turns out this way?”

But your fear may actually be protective. It’s pushing you to parent intentionally. It’s making you aware. That awareness is powerful. Your concern does not predict his future — it shapes it.

And please — practice self-compassion. Parenting while anxious or depressed is heavy. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend in the same position.

The Common Thread

All three perspectives point to this:

• Behavior is learned and observed.

• Feelings need language.

• Modeling matters.

• Safety can look like defiance.

• Correction works best after regulation.

• And mothers need compassion too.

You are not just raising a boy. You are teaching emotional literacy, modeling respect, and shaping how he will handle power and anger one day. The fact that you’re asking these questions speaks to how you are already doing the work. And that matters more than you know.

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Dear Therapist,

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Dear Therapist is our take on the infamous “Dear Abby” — a space to submit questions or situations you’d like thoughtful, therapist-informed feedback on. Submissions are completely anonymous. Selected questions will be answered by a team of licensed therapists in an upcoming blog post.

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