How to Decenter Yourself During the Holidays for Less Anxiety

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2 days ago
4 min read

Updated: 57 minutes ago

The holiday season can bring both joy and complexity. Increased family time, social gatherings, and long-standing traditions often stir up internal pressure to “show up” in a certain way. Without realizing it, many people begin to place themselves at the emotional center of holiday interactions—monitoring how they’re being perceived, feeling responsible for everyone’s comfort, or worrying that their choices will impact the tone of the entire event.

This is a very human response. When environments feel emotionally charged or unpredictable, our minds naturally narrow in on ourselves in an attempt to create a sense of control. The problem is that self-monitoring can quickly become exhausting. It takes you out of the present moment and into a cycle of overanalyzing, people-pleasing, or assuming responsibility for things that are not yours to carry.

A helpful antidote is the practice of decentering—loosening the belief that everything happening around you is a reflection of you or dependent on you.

What it means to decenter:

Decentering yourself doesn’t mean ignoring your needs, minimizing your feelings, or disappearing in social situations. It is not about disconnecting or minimizing yourself: it’s about right-sizing your role in a way that lowers anxiety and increases openness, curiosity, and connection. It means loosening the habit of making yourself the emotional center of every interaction.

When we’re anxious we tend to become hyper-focused on ourselves: What did I say wrong? Do they think I’m awkward? Am I doing this right? Decentering is the practice of gently stepping back from that internal spotlight. It's taking the spotlight off yourself, and grounding it in reality instead.

Decentering allows you to notice your thoughts and emotions without treating them as facts or emergencies. You might still feel awkward, overwhelmed, or self-conscious—but instead of letting those feelings run the show, you observe them and refocus on the moment, the people around you, or what actually matters to you.

It also means recognizing that not everything is about you. Most people are busy managing their own thoughts, stress, and expectations. Decentering helps reduce the pressure of feeling responsible for others’ reactions or for making everything go perfectly.

Why Self-Centering Happens More During the Holidays

Holiday environments tend to activate old relational patterns and emotional sensitivities. You might notice:

Feeling responsible for other people’s comfort
Worrying about being judged or misunderstood
Trying to manage the tone of the gathering
Monitoring yourself instead of being present

These patterns are common, especially when spending time with family or groups where expectations feel high.

1. Shift from Self-Monitoring to Curiosity About Others

Instead of scanning your internal world for “How am I being perceived?” try exploring:

“What’s lighting them up right now?”
“What might they be needing in this moment?”
“What are they excited, tired, or stressed about?”

Curiosity pulls you out of anxious self-focus and into relational presence—without sacrificing your boundaries.

2. Release the Role of “Holiday Manager”

You don’t have to orchestrate everyone’s joy. You don’t have to fix every tension. You don’t have to craft the perfect memory.

When you take responsibility for the entire emotional climate, you stay stuck at the center of the operation.

Instead, try:

Asking others to share tasks
Allowing imperfect moments
Letting people manage their own feelings
Trusting that connection doesn’t hinge on your performance

Shared responsibility builds closeness and reduces burnout.

3. Practice “Spotlight Resizing”

Anxiety often comes from feeling like a spotlight is on you—your choices, your appearance, your behavior. In reality, most people are focused on their own experience.

When you notice spotlight anxiety, try telling yourself:

“Everyone here is living in their own internal world.”
“I am not the main character in their minds.”
“I can let the spotlight widen to include everyone, not just me.”

This mental shift shrinks pressure and enhances connection.

4. Allow Others to Have Their Emotions Without Owning Them

If someone is stressed, irritated, quiet, or overwhelmed during the holidays, it doesn’t automatically mean:

You did something wrong
You need to fix it
You’re responsible

You can care without carrying. You can empathize without absorbing. You can connect without controlling.

This is decentering in its most liberating form.

6. Prioritize Your Needs Without Making Yourself the Focus

Decentering does not mean self-sacrifice. It means taking care of yourself in a way that supports healthier interactions and presence.

This can look like:

Taking a break when you need it
Saying no to overstimulating plans
Eating, resting, or grounding without defending it
Setting limits around topics or dynamics that are overwhelming

When your needs are met, you naturally feel less anxious and more able to connect.

Why Decentering Helps With Anxiety

When you decenter yourself:

You’re less likely to ruminate on perceived judgments.
You’re more present in the moment rather than stuck in internal narratives.
You're more likely to "Be Yourself" because you can engage with others with curiosity rather than anxiety about performance.